Words that Wound
In my younger days, a distant relative's dad died and standing beside her by the graveside as the body was being lowered, I rubbed her back and whispered 'it is well'. She turned back and shouted at me that it was not well. I was shocked and felt helpless at the time. In retrospect, she was right 'it was not well with her'. How was she and her siblings going to live without their dad? The pain of loss at the time could definetely not make things be well.
Fast forward, Jaden dies and we are the ones to be comforted by people who genuinely love and care for us. At the time, we were 32years, with a soon to be 3year old daughter and born again. We heard words like the ones I used many times before without really putting them in context. It is well, let him rest in peace, it's God's will, he is in a better place, you are young you will get others, God will give you twins, at least you have one. God gives and takes, you are strong, you will make it through this on and on.
I am guilty of telling the bereaved the same words and used them genuinely. My intention was to comfort, help feel better or maybe not knowing what else to say and being uneasy with silence and hurt of my friends. However, when I look at these words, they really hurt the bereaved.
Thoughts that run through their minds as we say these ones:
Is it really well? My world is so dark now, how can it be well?
What does rest in peace(RIP) mean anyway?
It's God's will? Is it really? Why me/us?
You will get others.. I don't want others, I want my baby. Others can come but won't replace this one.
At least you have one. I am thankful but my other one is not here and it hurts deeply.
Its God's will and you are strong.. I really don't like God right now, I am angry at him and my world has crumbled right before my eyes.
So as we seek to comfort, let's think about our words and what they really mean even with our good intentions.
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