My Life

 May is Mental Health Awareness Month:Restart as many times as you need to. When we were young, we couldn't wait to be adults, we thought we could make our own choices, do what we wanted and lived in a fantasy world. We forgot that choices have life long consequences and we were not warned that not everyone in life is for you and its ok.  Adulting is hard, it's constantly trying to put your oxygen mask in the turbulence of life. I have found myself wishing sometimes that I could go time back to those carefree days but here we are and I wouldn't trade my life for any other. Tha past year has been turbulent, many tears, disappointments, transitions and changes. The year has also had many wins. One of my favorite quotes is 'courage is doing it afraid'. Another is 'choose you and show up, no matter how you feel'. Swimming upstream has never been easy. You face resistance from within and without and you must keep going, restart as many times as you need to and  c

  Finally 8years.  Milestones, so many uncharted waters yet there is a faithful God who sees, who knows and who cares. That's all that matters, I credit Him faithful. 

 Times & Seasons Belong to God The year 2012 remains to be my most challenging year . It was a dark year, I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.It was dramatic and it's  also the year that we moved houses twice while I was expectant with Jaden. We hated one of the houses but moved anyways, we had to.  It was a dark year, I spent most of it in the washroom throwing up  or going to the doctor because I couldn't keep food down yet baby was growing as I grew thinner . A dear friend sensed something was not right with me emotionally and took me for dates but I wouldn't speak out and she patiently showered me with love. Looking back I think I was in emotional distress leaning towards depression. When Jaden was born I thought I could finally get some sense of relief from the dark days but 1 month later baby was no more. A journey of loss and grief began and I wondered if i' d make it, I wanted to die. That year was really hard. At crossover kesha into 2013,

In honour of Jaden, it's been 9years today. What a journey it has been, so many treasures I have found in the dark and many more to look forward to. I remember, I love. It's been a beautiful day.

  Dear Jaden, Today is the eve of the 9th year since you left me. I heard that adversity builds character and we should embrace it . For sure your loss and the journey has been a roller coaster and great contributor to who I am today.  But tonight, I do not feel strong, tonight I feel afraid that if I continue to write ,I shall cry a river. But hey these are the emotions sometimes that I must sit with , no shortcuts and live through them. Tomorrow my son, I shall be strong, tomorrow my son, I shall be hopeful but for today, let me wallow in this space of missing you, remembering the tears I shed the eve 9years ago wanting you in my arms, wanting to go home with you and not leave you in the ICU alone. I didn't know, it was the launch to many more hours, days, months and years of never having to see you, hold you, hug you, kiss you. Oh my heart aches tonight but tomorrow there is hope. From my aching heart. Love always mummy.

This morning, I woke up with much excitement and joy. I  still remember Jaden it's your 9th birthday and am excited. Over the past few weeks, I have truly come to appreciate the Seasons of Life as stated by the wisest man, King Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3.  I am content today and carry these words dearly in my heart.  Happy 9th birthday. I am who I am today because of you coming into my life. Forever in my heart.