My Life

The other day, Nate and I went to see a friend's newborn baby. When we got home, Samara asked whether the baby was a boy or girl. So I said its a boy and she said" so auntie is a mum of three boys and you mummy are a mum to 1 girl and 2 boys" and moved on with her life. Oh, that warmed my heart, that Samara knows that I am a mother of three, how amazing is that. Even when Jaden is not here she remembers him and still counts him as a sibling, it really warmed my heart. At the beginning of the year after church, as we drank tea with a friend,another lady came and suggested that I should get baby number 3, I quickly told her am ok with the 2 God has given me. My friend quickly added that after all there is no pressure, am already a mum of three and that also quietened my heart. I appreciated that she also viewed me as a mum of three. I guess you wondering where am going with all this but I just wanted to show that the pressure is real and constant reminders that you are

For sure the journey continues everyday. I was shocked at myself last year when Jaden's 4th year anniversary came and I moaned so deeply. I cried alot, felt like I had gone back to the initial days when we just lost him, i felt depressed and was so so sad for weeks. I tried to ask why that happened and I realised that, while aiding a friend who was admitted in a certain hospital during that time, I got to interact with a mum who was also admitted with her 5 day old daughter who was to undergo surgery, we interacted almost on a daily basis until they were discharged . However, I could identify with that mum's fears before surgery, when baby was in surgery and when baby got out of surgery alive and safe. I guess all that just took me down, don't get me wrong, I was so so happy for her that they went in and came out safe. I guess, I just wished that my story was like that, ended with a happy ending and so when the day Jaden passed came, I moaned and moaned deeply. But God is f

My Samara, is all grown now. Yes she is 7years yet behaves more grown up than that, at times asking very tough questions, having her own mind and ideas and opinions. All in all am grateful. Earlier in the year, I felt inadequate to be her mom, yes, I felt like we were clashing so much on most things and I felt like am failing at parenting my baby girl. But it dawned on me that she is growing and instead of handing down instructions,we must sit and discuss, that way we get to talk and agree on issues. With that approach ,I feel much better. Many years ago when Samara got her open heart surgery, my greatest worry was the scar on the chest, I prayed that it would disappear and that we would never have to answer any questions or have the scar affect Samara's self-esteem.But I had read other people's experiences and of course the scar stays. So the day I feared came yesterday, when Samara asked what happened pointing to the scar...I had to explain to her that she had a hole in the