My Life

I must have shared earlier on my next door neighbour's baby. The baby was born sometime in early December and the mum has said she would name him Jaden. At the time when we talked, Jaden was just a few days old and well. It has been such an internal battle within me from the time he was brought home. I had such mixed feelings. When he came home, I was so envious of his mum...she had her 3rd child while mine was gone..It tortured me that my Jaden had gone to be with the Lord and they had their Jaden..just the idea that the baby shares the name with my son, makes it so difficult. The other day, I felt proud of myself because when I heard him cry last week, I could handle it, but of late he has been crying quite abit even this morning and I just broke down as we prayed on the breakfast table. I have been telling myself am not even sure they called him Jaden, and sometimes its easy to see his clothes on the hang line and not feel bad but sometimes it is hard. One day, I shall reach a

This morning I got a text message that Samara would not be going to school because of the political nominations taking place. So i decided to snooze in bed abit then prepare us for coming to work. Got to SAS Impressions and my day just felt abit disorgarnised. We walked in with a friend who didnt know we lost the baby and he was asking how baby is and just explaining Jaden rested just kinda distabilised me and I just had this feeling of being overwhelmed. It threw me off balance and all day I have just been feeling abit overwhelmed. Until Samara is assuring me that she is not disturbing me..its just me I guess. Well , I am reading a book "Broken to be made whole" by Winnie Thuku and she shares her story on how she lost her daughter just before birth and all the emotions she has been going through. She shares her story ,2 years later and I just wish I can reach that stage, the stage of healing and looking back with joy...its been only 2 months since baby J left us and the pai

2 months now since my baby went to be with Jesus. Oh and the pain in my heart is so fresh. The past past few days ,I have just been in tears and so low.I have been reading about God being the potter and me being the clay and He doing the molding and am struggling with this. It is so hard to take in God’s word and will…for my good? The clay doesn’t dictate what the potter should do with it..and I only tell God to hold my hand. Over the weekend, we met our couples group and had a lovely time. We were to share among other things our highlights and lows of the previous year and I just couldn’t talk.. all I could do was cry and cry and thank God for my beloved who shared on our behalf. I look back at 2012 with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was a very very hard year for me and having Jaden was the greatest highlight. Taking him home and having baby gal embrace him with all her heart just melted my heart. It was a joy ,such a joy to have the four of us together. Baby gal loved Jaden