My Life

 As parents/guardians, we strive to give our children a good and stable life. Unfortunately, no matter what we do, we can not shield them from the storms of life but we can provide them with a tool that can carry them through life . Introducing your children to God's Word and salvation, I believe is the greatest gift you can offer  them. Read an extract from 8 Positive Attitudes by Robert Schuller.

 Grace of Lament A friend has shared this sermon on grace of lament( https://www.capitolhillbaptist.org/sermon/the-grace-of-lament/#.XXZWMZyeLCg.whatsapp ). It is insightful, helpful and freeing. Thanks friend (you know yourself). Psalms 77:1‭-‬9 NIV I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.  I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.  You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;  I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:  “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?  Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?  Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

As we go through grief or have our loved ones go through seasons of loss, we can find comfort that there is time for everything under the sun. A Time for Everything 1For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. Look keenly at the above and therein are seasons of life, some great others not so great. As you moan, allow yourself to be in that season. t is okay not to be okay. Another season will come, ...

Words we can learn to use I care about you. He/she will be dearly missed. You are important to me. My condolences. I hope you find some peace today. Be kind to yourself. I'm here for you. I wish I could take your pain away. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. I am saddened to hear about (deceased's name) passing. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine what you're feeling, but I am totally here for you. Know that I will be here to support you through all of this. Nothing I say can change what happened, but I am here for you and your family during this time. My heart hurts knowing that (deceased's name) has passed away. I've lost a loved one before and can imagine what you may be feeling. Know that it's okay to feel however you want to feel during this time and I will be here for you. May the memories of (deceased's name) bring you peace Source: https://dying.lovetoknow.com/Words_to_Comfort_Someone_Grieving

 Words we can learn to use. I know I can’t make your pain go away, but I want you to know I’m here with a shoulder or an ear or anything else you need.” “Thinking of your family with love and wanting to help out in any way I can.  I’ll call to see when would be a good night to bring over a meal.” “You’ve got so much on your mind and on your heart right now. We hope it will make one less worry to know that  I will be taking care of the xyz for as long as you need.” “I know this must be a very difficult and demanding time for you all. We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. If there is anything we can do, please let us know.” Source:Sympathy Ideas https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/what-to-write-in-a-sympathy-card/

 Words that Wound In my younger days, a distant relative's dad died and standing beside her by the graveside as the body was being lowered, I rubbed her back and whispered 'it is well'. She turned back and shouted at me that it was not well. I was shocked and felt helpless at the time. In retrospect, she was right 'it was not well with her'. How was she and her siblings going to live without their dad? The pain of loss at the time could definetely not make things be well. Fast forward, Jaden dies and we are the ones to be comforted by people who genuinely love and care for us. At the time, we were 32years, with a soon to be 3year old daughter and born again. We heard words like the ones I used many times before without really putting them in context. It is well, let him rest in peace, it's God's will, he is in a better place, you are young you will get others, God will give you twins, at least you have one. God gives and takes, you are strong, you will make ...

 There is no destination, loss is a journey. We learn to cope without our loved ones. We moan the past, present and future. We wish we had more time, to hug, to love and to say the right things. We wish we cherished the precious moments together. We moan the present, doing life together, facing victories, challenges and celebrating milestones. We miss the birthdays, the anniversaries that we would have celebrated. We moan the future, the birthdays, the graduations, the milestones, the weddings and life together. Be gentle on yourself, when you drive past a, place that bears memories, or listen to a song that reminds you of your loved, it's okay to miss them. To date, there are songs I can't stand , I sang them to Jaden and I am gentle on myself. I walk away or switch to another channel. Be aware of what triggers set you onto an emotional roller coaster. Again know, this was your loved one, you have or heard memories and dreams and it is okay to miss and grief them. For the comm...

 I heard this song Truth Be Told by Matthew West this morning. I like the lyrics, it's okay not to be okay. https://youtu.be/j4wYkS8Z3Io

  Days after the burial are difficult to face. The community of support return to their normal routines . People return to work, ceremonies like baby showers, birthdays, weddings and get togethers continue, after all that's how life is. However, as these go on the bereaved is feeling lost and stuck. Questions like how can people be smiling and be happy while am hollow and lost? Why isn't my loved one here to celebrate a milestone with me? Many events or lack of them trigger emotions. Facing a day seems like facing a giant. For the bereaved, be gentle on yourself. You can say no to events or gatherings that overwhelm you. It is easy to pity party and resent your family and friends for moving on. Please know that is life and when your world stops, it's not their fault. They will support when they can or ask for support and sensitized them on what hurts or where you are at. Guard your heart. For the community of support, be patient with the bereaved. Do not isolate them from...

 Practical Things Community of Support Can Do On Day of Burial 1.Ensure bereaved have a meal /breakfast before leaving home.  2.Carry water, energy giving drink/glucose/snack, box of tissues /handkerchiefs 3.Allow the bereaved be present during the ceremony if possible. Some people whisk the bereaved away when they are overcome by grief. Try calm them down, get a chair but allow them to be present. 4. Try to be comfortable with tears and expression of emotions. If you are uncomfortable subconsciously you try and silence the bereaved. If you comfortable with emotions, you can give the bereaved time to cry and try calm them with wisdom. 5.If there are children, assign an adult to take care of their needs during the burial but allow them to be as present as possible and with the family. 6. After the burial, do not be in a rush to move the family away from burial site. Be patient with them. 7. Please do not leave immediately after the ceremony of you able to. Give the family some ...

13th November, 2012 was the day of Jaden's burial. I don't know your experience but it felt like a dream, like am there but not there. Going through the motions of the day, wondering if it's true. The bereaved is in a state but amazingly I remember a small section of the sermon by Pastor David Obuki  'that there are treasures in the darkness'.Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.) Maybe that stuck because I wondered how can that be when am in a dark pit. I was touched by the Kileleshwa Covenant Community Church(K3C) community who hardly knew us but accepted to conduct Jaden's funeral with much grace.I also remember the kindness, warmth, love and support from family and friends. I remember the visits, the texts, the songs sent and gestures that reminded us that we were loved. I am thankful that we didn't have to stress about ho...

  Dangers to look out for when grieving. #1 Do it my way Why aren’t you hurting as much as me or pull yourself together you too much. Be aware of each other’s style of grieving, observe and communicate. Extend grace to each other #2 I must be strong Sometimes we feel we need to be strong for the sake of others. Unfortunately, one may suppress their emotions and this may pop up later in life. Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Crying or feeling emotionally drained does not mean you are weak, it says you are human. Be self aware of what you are feeling. If something feels overwhelming, ask for help or support. #3 Resisting Change Death brings change. Our values, priorities and commitments fall under attack. Daily routines become hard, holidays and events may become a constant reminder of the loss. Sometimes we may resist the change by changing our values like indulge in substance abuse,infidelity or walking in bitterness. Death alters life forever. With time there is need to learn...

#ChildlossAndRelationships 8 Years ago, Sylvia Wambui lost her son Jaden 29 days after birth. The loss of a child affects a couple in unimaginable ways. Now a Counselor, she briefly shares her experience and pointers on how a couple can cope. Please share with, or tag someone who might need this. Click > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2MnXNZ716s Supamamas YouTube. Like. Subscribe I am so thankful that Christine allowed me to share on child loss and has premiered it during Jaden's 8th anniversary. Am so humbled.

 When death occurs in a family, the family members grieve differently and we may miss out on the quiet ones or those who seem strong. In a couple situation, sometimes the man is forgotten yet he is hurting too. We may also miss out on the children and justify that they are too young to understand. We also forget close relatives like in our case grand parents, aunts/uncles or friends who loved the child as their own. As the community providing support to the bereaved family, let us look out for each family member  and close friend where possible. Pull them aside, chat and ask how they are doing. Talk to the children, allow them to be present when meetings are happening they are stakeholders too. Break down the loss to their level, as basic but as clear as possible. Allow them to cry or express their disappointment.

 After receiving news of death of a loved one, as one is grieving there are many things to be done regarding burial:where to bury, when to bury and how to bury. In Africa, relatives and the community start trickling in to comfort the family.  When a baby dies sometimes the family may have to decide whether to bury or allow hospital to do so.Sometimes the family may not know what to do or may just feel overwhelmed. Either way it's emotionally draining to make such decisions. I kept negotiating in my mind, this was not the plan, we were to take Jaden home not look for a funeral home andsite to bury him. Our family and friends supported us by accompanying us to hospital, pay bills, transfer baby to funeral home and assisted Alex in processing documents. They helped ask questions, ensure things were handled in a proper way. We never felt alone.  It is kind of the community to come visit the bereaved,it assures them of the love and support. Sometimes it can be overwhelming but...

When Job had lost everything including his children, his wife was so bitter and asked him to curse God and die but he asked her a very difficult question. Will we only accept what is good from God and reject the bad? He is the God who gives and takes away and I will worship him. This must have been a very difficult space for the couple. I used to hear this song and wail. I wrestled with the words, especially the chorus( You give and take away, my heart will choose today to say blessed be your name) but like Job one must come to a place at some point and ask 'will you accept the good and reject the bad/challenges?'. https://youtu.be/PnWKehsOXu8

 Jaden passed on in hospital and some of my friends worried that if I came home and saw his clothes and Moses basket, my grieve would be aggrevated . Some felt that it may be wise to move them while others thought it wise to let things stay as they were. Am so glad that when I came home, his clothes and items were intact. A few years later, I chatted a friend who had a loss and she appreciated her friends gesture to move her baby's items. From this I learned that each of us grieve differently. For Jaden's clothes, I left them in place until I was ready many months later. I packed them in a suitcase while I gave out some. Again, ask the bereaved family what they want to do with their loved ones items, you don't have to remove even the portraits, it does not have to be done immediately. For some, they may perceive it as being insensitive to their loss.

 It's painful to watch as a loved one goes through loss. We feel helpless, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. One thing that may not go wrong or offend is the power of presence. Just being there but silent speaks volumes. Dear bereaved , we get offended by what people say or what they do or don't do. Guard your heart against offense because no one would intentionally hurt you. They are saying or doing what they think may comfort you. If possible guide them or confide in someone who can politely let them know that the words or actions are hurtful.

 No one is prepared for death and it comes as a shock both for the bereaved and the people the bereaved interact with like friends, colleagues, church, neighbours etc. The bereaved might be trying to come to terms with the loss and may need some time to process the shocking news. Ask them how you may be of support or help to them at the time. What is your immediate need?  Would they need help to get home, to the hospital, morgue or police station? Would they need airtime to communicate the loss or to help in planning for the burial? Do not be afraid to get in touch with the bereaved. Call, text, appear in person if possible and ask them how best you can support them.

  8Years Today Today is not an easy day but a grace filled day. I woke up and remembered that 8years ago, a day like this, we came face to face with death. Jaden, our second born son passed on 29days after birth. It was shocking, never thought babies die but ours did. We were ushered into the personal journey of grief, where facing everyday was like facing a giant of loss, grief and the emotions. Looking back, am thankful that God helped me stay sane. I asked Him many questions, I was confused as to why Jaden had to leave so soon yet he had not stayed too long. I remember the agony, the tears, the hollow feeling and emptiness I felt.I followed and trusted God in my pain and confusion. I could not pray, I could only listen to soft music to sooth me. I was afraid to be alone even in the shower and I carried my worship music with me. 8years, how did we get here after such a loss? It's not easy but telling myself that loss is a personal journey and that it can't be thrown into t...