Skip to main content

A mother's guilt



Doesn’t she look so cute and peaceful? I think she does and most times she is peaceful and happy. I took the afternoon off yesterday and went home to spend time with Samara and it was quite rewarding until she took her evening bath.
Am not sure what happened after the bath  because Samara became fussy& cried alot. Infact she didn’t want to be put down and wanted to be carried. Whenever I see her acting up I always ask her  “ Where is my Samara, the peaceful happy girl?”. I thought she was hungry, though she had snacked while I was cooking and put for her food. My little angel would not open her mouth, i tell you teh spoon wouldn't enter. I gave her some time out and hunger got the best of her and she started feeding herself when she was ready.
At about  2a.m. we woke up to her yell, we tried to ignore but the yell was quite loud and I went to check on her. She asked for “nyonyo”(milk) and I breast fed her. After a reasonable time,she had slept  and I decided to place her down and Samara was at it again, she started crying. I picked her and she demanded for “nyonyo”. I said No(because she was full) and  after a struggle she cried but slept, tried to put her down but she refused. At this point I was so furious, I threatened to beat her and placed her on a bed in her room and sat aside, I was ready to leave her there for the night at that point. Alex joined us, warmed some milk and held her. She refused to take the milk and slept in his arms and as he lay her down, she started crying. I was so mad for real(wondering are mums allowed to be this mad at their kids?), I  told him to place her in the playpen, we turned off the  baby monitor, closed the door and tried to sleep. She cried for a few minutes then there was a much needed silence. Truth is I feared going to her room and restart the whole drama, so we gave her a few more minutes  to sleep deeply  then  went to cover her . It was 3 a.m. and Alex could not get sleep again, he tossed, switched on the lights, read and slept at 5a.m.
While I sat in Samara’s room as she cried, I felt  she was abusing the breast because she was not suckling after a while, she would  just cling to it so that I do not leave her. I was feeling manipulated and abused. Thoughts on how I should deport her to shagz  for 2/3 days so that she can stop breast feeding came to mind, yet again I felt guilty and reminded myself that  she is our responsibility. I can’t wish the issue away and so I am determined to change her sleeping routine, even if it means to allow her to cry it out. What upset me most  is that she normally sleeps  peacefully the whole night, why that had changed last night I didn’t understand.
At the end of it, I felt guilty at the anger I had towards Samara at the time. Infact I was angry at myself and at Samara and I felt so bad about it. This morning all was well, it seemed like the past had been forget by all parties and we shared breakfast and said our goodbyes as usual.

Comments

Sylvia_Counselor said…
Things are much better these days. We say pray, say our good nights and take Samara to her cot, she cries a little then sleeps.

We have been on the cry it out method for the past few days and slowly we getting there. Am happy and looking forward to the day there shall be no tears.
23 June 2011 at 17:49
Sylvia_Counselor said…
I think the tears are over. The last two days, Samara has been sleeping on her own. She says her good nights, breast feeds, I place her in bed while still awake and she just lies there with her teddy bear and sleeps.

Am happy and proud of her.
27 June 2011 at 16:41
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Journey with Caleb's Family

A friend requested me to share my story on the journey we walked with Caleb's family. So below is a very long blog on that over 1 month. Am not sure what is in store for us ahead but this far it has been God. After our experience with Atrial Septal Defect(ASD) through our daughter Samara, I felt within me a call to look for people to partner with regarding kids with heart issues. So In January this year, I checked the net and bumped into a local NGO. The organization basically deals with kids with heart defects from poor families. I thought it was a noble call and contacted the organization. They were fast to respond and I visited them alone and over the weekend on a Saturday with my family. On the Saturday we went, we met Caleb and his parents. This was end of January and they were discussing with the founder of the organization about how to raise airfare for them to travel to India, first week of February. I held Caleb briefly in my arms and his mum kept saying one day her...
7 comments
Read more

Househelps

This morning as we drove to work, we tuned into a radio station that had an interesting discussion...yeah you guessed it, it was on househelps.The background was that there is a lady who has helped develop a curriculum for domestic workers in Kenya and the emphasis is on respecting oneself, good grooming, respecting the job one is doing etc. She was encouraging all employers to enrol their domestic workers for the curriculum but many were hesitant stating that they would invest much in the househelps then after a few weeks/days the girls would leave..but she said if all homes trained the domestic workers then whenever they left, then you would receive one who is trained as everyone has played their role. The morning show had 2 male presenters, and two ladies and what caused a stir was that the men asked one lady.." whether she would employ a househelp who was prettier than her? "Would you employ one who's esteem is high and dresses well if you were married" . The l...
4 comments
Read more
Looking back at where I am today and where the 8-4-4 system had placed me, I thank God that He has a purpose and plan for all of us. At times I wonder whether I will be able to tell my kids that I was never in the top 10 position in class. Most of our parents have told us how they were position 1 in their class and I always wonder who was last? Think about it. I envy today’s young generation. Having being raised in Kericho and Nakuru in my younger days, I didn’t know English too well and at 6 years I was speaking broken English. My first birthday was so memorable and exciting in that I could not say birthday and would welcome my friends and visitors by saying ‘welcome to my passday’. Oh well ,thank God that we catch up quick and I went to Milimani Primary and later Nairobi Primary and my report forms would read “ Sylvia is very playful and can do better if she settled down" or "slight imporvement but can do better". Class 8 came and I scored 432/700, and that was ok...
4 comments
Read more