A mother's guilt

Doesn’t she look so cute and peaceful? I think she does and most times she is peaceful and happy. I took the afternoon off yesterday and went home to spend time with Samara and it was quite rewarding until she took her evening bath.

Am not sure what happened after the bath  because Samara became fussy& cried alot. Infact she didn’t want to be put down and wanted to be carried. Whenever I see her acting up I always ask her  “ Where is my Samara, the peaceful happy girl?”. I thought she was hungry, though she had snacked while I was cooking and put for her food. My little angel would not open her mouth, i tell you teh spoon wouldn't enter. I gave her some time out and hunger got the best of her and she started feeding herself when she was ready.

At about  2a.m. we woke up to her yell, we tried to ignore but the yell was quite loud and I went to check on her. She asked for “nyonyo”(milk) and I breast fed her. After a reasonable time,she had slept  and I decided to place her down and Samara was at it again, she started crying. I picked her and she demanded for “nyonyo”. I said No(because she was full) and  after a struggle she cried but slept, tried to put her down but she refused. At this point I was so furious, I threatened to beat her and placed her on a bed in her room and sat aside, I was ready to leave her there for the night at that point. Alex joined us, warmed some milk and held her. She refused to take the milk and slept in his arms and as he lay her down, she started crying. I was so mad for real(wondering are mums allowed to be this mad at their kids?), I  told him to place her in the playpen, we turned off the  baby monitor, closed the door and tried to sleep. She cried for a few minutes then there was a much needed silence. Truth is I feared going to her room and restart the whole drama, so we gave her a few more minutes  to sleep deeply  then  went to cover her . It was 3 a.m. and Alex could not get sleep again, he tossed, switched on the lights, read and slept at 5a.m.

While I sat in Samara’s room as she cried, I felt  she was abusing the breast because she was not suckling after a while, she would  just cling to it so that I do not leave her. I was feeling manipulated and abused. Thoughts on how I should deport her to shagz  for 2/3 days so that she can stop breast feeding came to mind, yet again I felt guilty and reminded myself that  she is our responsibility. I can’t wish the issue away and so I am determined to change her sleeping routine, even if it means to allow her to cry it out. What upset me most  is that she normally sleeps  peacefully the whole night, why that had changed last night I didn’t understand.

At the end of it, I felt guilty at the anger I had towards Samara at the time. Infact I was angry at myself and at Samara and I felt so bad about it. This morning all was well, it seemed like the past had been forget by all parties and we shared breakfast and said our goodbyes as usual.