My Life

In honour of Jaden, it's been 9years today. What a journey it has been, so many treasures I have found in the dark and many more to look forward to. I remember, I love. It's been a beautiful day.

  Dear Jaden, Today is the eve of the 9th year since you left me. I heard that adversity builds character and we should embrace it . For sure your loss and the journey has been a roller coaster and great contributor to who I am today.  But tonight, I do not feel strong, tonight I feel afraid that if I continue to write ,I shall cry a river. But hey these are the emotions sometimes that I must sit with , no shortcuts and live through them. Tomorrow my son, I shall be strong, tomorrow my son, I shall be hopeful but for today, let me wallow in this space of missing you, remembering the tears I shed the eve 9years ago wanting you in my arms, wanting to go home with you and not leave you in the ICU alone. I didn't know, it was the launch to many more hours, days, months and years of never having to see you, hold you, hug you, kiss you. Oh my heart aches tonight but tomorrow there is hope. From my aching heart. Love always mummy.

This morning, I woke up with much excitement and joy. I  still remember Jaden it's your 9th birthday and am excited. Over the past few weeks, I have truly come to appreciate the Seasons of Life as stated by the wisest man, King Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3.  I am content today and carry these words dearly in my heart.  Happy 9th birthday. I am who I am today because of you coming into my life. Forever in my heart. 

A few weeks ago, I attended a storytelling workshop and on the final day, we recorded our personal stories.  There is power in sharing our stories of pain and triumph. Loss is a journey and its been 9years now and hope my story can encourage another.  God Bless

  They keep going. I am proud of them because the You Tube channels was their idea, they came up with the design, names and effects. I am proud because its all self taught without coercion. I am proud because they agree on the content, schedule when to record , when and how to edit and when to upload. I love their team work even to collude to change their accents, I am proud of their talent. Kindly like and subscribe to both their channels Mass_Stars and Ecko Kids. Thank you.

 

 

This week, I have felt so unsure & uncertain about life. I have asked myself many questions and played 'what if' 'scenarios. It's not been easy but after church I asked Nate what they were taught in Sunday school and he shared the 2 Bible verses below and story of Daniel.He told me about the courage Daniel showed and how He trusted God no matter what was going on. That message was mine for sure, I am encouraged.  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5‭-‬6 NLT

This hollow feeling is back and so intense. I miss Jaden so much. Why did you choose him? Why did you allow us to meet him then take him away? The feeling is so sad..I am trying to get my footing in you..at times I feel like I will take a break and disappear just to look out for your voice in all this. Yesterday, I was craving for twins, sometimes I feel like I should be blessed with twins to payback for the loss..not really payback but just to compensate for the hurt, brokenness and emptiness. Yet I know you are God, and you have something worked out. I am thinking and fighting the feel that I need another child, yet Lord I know you at your own time will bless us..you are not a liar, to turn on your word..I know my womb is blessed..oh dear Lord, I feel like I can run through this valley, yet I hear you say, I need to walk through it..won’t you uphold me?Won’t you soothe this loneliness? What treasures are in these darkness? I recall you said in the midst of dark cloud ,you ar...

I must say that year was one mixed bag. It had many ups and downs but am just excited that the year is coming to a close. This morning I woke up feeling very thankful to God. He has been so faithful, the highlight being seeing Samara and us through the surgery. We saw miracles and favour. He helped us raise funds, he helped us get to MIOT Hospitals safely, He took baby gal through the surgery and the recovery process was amazing and fast. We experienced such favour in the hospital like we stayed in one of the best rooms for the 15days we were there, the nurses, doctors and support staff were friendly and made our stay much better. So am just happy to say that God is faithful and He carries us through the hard times in our lives. Only after we have gone through do we look back and declare that it was by His grace, mercies and goodness that we have passed the hurdles. Hope you will be encouraged to know that even when people do not seem to understand or care enough or as you would want...

That word Open Heart Surgery makes me so scared. I couldn't imagine baby girl going through something like that. On one of our follow ups, guess when the weight gain had stagnated and everyone kept commenting on how thin/small our daughter was, the doctor felt that we should plan for the operation earlier than the 2 years. That brought shivers. The doctor gave us a name of a cardiologist and hospital in India. I forgot to mention that when we received the news about the ASD we sent the echo pictures to several hospitals in India just to seek an opinion and every time the emails came back they affirmed our fears but varied on the timings of the operation. So once we received the name of the surgeon , we got in touch, sent results and he was willing to carry out the operation. We further settled for the date and got the costs of operation and flight etc. It was a costly venture and it only needed God. Bearing in mind that we didn't want samara to be stigmatized, how would we ra...

This morning, I had an ahah moment.  I seem to see the pieces coming together. The real reason why I wanted to start blogiing was to share our experience with other people. Not that we are experts or anything but just to be an encouragement to others like us. You see we have been held back by fears of the unknown, but everyday as I read and have read many families share,I hear the nurge to share our story. You see our beloved daughter Samara who's name means 'protected by God' was born normal and we were all very excited. We went home and even had our first family holiday in April of that year. When we came back,in May Samara had a throat infection and somehow our doctor could not be traced. We drove her to doctor's plaza and Alex perused through names of doctors and finally settled for one. When our turn reached, we went in, explained the baby's throat issue and how she had been vomitting. The doctor asked us to place her on the bed and she looked at her throat b...

Sometimes the Lord rides out the storm with us and other times He calms the restless sea around us.Most of all,He calms the storm inside us in our deepest inner soul. Lloyd John Ogilvie

Sometimes we go through hard times and it's great to stop and take stock by answering these questions.

 We can run but not hide. 

  Non sexual betrayals can devastate a relationship as thoroughly as infidelity. These include emotional distance, siding with relatives against one's mate, disrespecting partner & breaking promises. John Gottman

Our rainbow, our 3rd, our dynamite. The one sent to remind me that God loves, that no matter what the past was, there is hope, there is dancing after moaning. I didn't want a son, I wanted to guilt trip God and moan for my 2nd born all my life. Shock on me, when we were gifted with this boy, a constant reminder that we can smile again, it's been an amazing almost 7years. So today I smile, today my heart is full to be a mother to my second son and proudly a mother of three. Happy Mother's day to me this year.

Mother's Day is such a bitter sweet day sometimes. Today, unlike other Mother's days I have missed my 2nd born Jaden. Maybe because I was thinking that last Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's day, a title I wish I didn't have to hold, that has been with me the entire week. Or maybe it's because I want to risk it and do something to remember my boy. I asked my husband a question I've never dared or allowed myself to think. If Jaden were alive today, turning 9years this October, how much would we have invested in or for him? So, I shall risk it, I shall not waste my pain. So this mother's day, I celebrate all mothers but especially those who have nothing but memories, wishes and dreams like me.  Happy Mother's day to me, I shall not be anxious, I shall keep going. 

Celebrating motherhood, with our first fruit, our blessing.She ushered me into mummyhood & called me mum.

 Let's name it, only then can we deal with it. I like the power and control wheel which also highlights different types of abuse.

 

Counselling is not for the weak or the very emotional people. Each of us needs counselling to unpack what lies within us, both good and not so good experiences. Sometimes, we need some help to think through a decision or to figure things out.  Counselling is for children. adolescents, individuals and couples. It can be conducted one on one, in a group ,it can be physical or online.

 I like to explain the journey of loss as learning to walk with a limp. This evening, I have seen it described as learning to dance with the limp. It's beautifully explained by Bereaved Parents of the USA. 

"Only in the dark can you see the stars" Martin Luther. Look for the treasures you can find even in the hard seasons of life. Is it the resilience? Is it the friendships? Is it the discovered gifts/talents? What do you learn about yourself or the other person? My treasure in the dark after the loss of our child was growth in my spiritual life and journeying with individuals going through hard seasons. Not wasting my pain.   When we look long enough, we can find something good, maybe not in the thick of things but in retrospect we do find the treasures.  

We tell people to 'get over it' but what does that really mean or look like? Sometimes , we do not understand what the are going through and we say these hurtful words. Let us strive to help them get through it, no quick fixes for our own comfort. Walk beside them (if you can) or get someone who can walk with them.

 Hi, Which season of life are you in? What is within your control?  What are you doing to navigate the season? Remember that seasons don't last forever. Hang in there.