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The Void is never filled: Missing My Baby

A few days ago as we had breakfast we had the below conversation with Samara

 Samara:Mummy, tata is the what born?
Me: She is the first born like you.
Samara: My cousins are many, they are 3 children
Me:Yes Samara, even you guys were three..you, Jaden and Nate
Samara:Yes, I am the first born, then Jaden then Nate is the last born.
Me:Yes Samara

 Jaden seems to have impacted Samara despite her tender age then.She just had a very strong bond and deep love for him which warms my heart. 

The past month I have heard so much of maternal and newborn death that it has made me miss my boy. Yesterday morning, I drove to Langata Cemetery and I was tears before I even got there, I haven't been there since November 2014. I just had this missing in my heart of him and when I got there I cried and cried some more. Someone asked me the other day when I told her I lost a son before, she said that it must be better now? I said am not sure it gets better, the missing and vacuum never get filled. The raw pain may fade but the loss can't be replaced or forgotten. I think often about my boy and with the season of hearing people losing babies, it kind of revives that time and the emotions, confusion etc.

 So I never blame Samara when she often or once in a while remembers her brother.I love him too deeply and I am missing my boy.

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