9 Things Not
to Say to Someone Who's Grieving
Learn what you shouldn’t mention to
someone going through a loss
By
Laurie Sue Brockway
When a friend loses a loved one, our
hearts ache for them. We want so much to comfort, soothe and make things better,
yet we end up sputtering out the wrong words because we don’t know what to say
when someone dies. “We’re trained not to discuss death,” says grief expert John
Welshons, author of Awakening from Grief.
“On top of that, we’re uncomfortable with silence, crying and sharing
someone’s grief, so we try to fix grief instead.” Not only does that approach
not work, but choosing the wrong words can cause more pain. Here’s why these
nine common statements are particularly hurtful to grievers.
You must be strong now.
People need to fully express their
grief before they can heal. Telling someone to pull herself together quickly
isn’t helpful. “When my mother died when I was 12, everyone said, ‘Be strong.
Take care of your dad,’” recalls David Kessler, co-author of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the
Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss with
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD. “They were all well-meaning, but what I could have
used instead was people saying, ‘This is going to hurt, but I’m here for you.’”
When in doubt, says Kessler, err on the side of silence. Sometimes the best
thing to do is simply be there. “My co-author taught me if you’re not sure what
to do, just listen.”
Your loved one lived a
good, long life.
Some people think when someone lives
to a ripe old age, there’s no cause for grieving when they pass away. But “the
mourner is likely thinking, ‘However long I had my loved one wasn’t long
enough,’” says certified grief counselor Marty Tousley, author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A
Guide for the First Year. Gratitude for that long life may come
later, she says, but in the beginning there’s only the agony of loss. Tousley
says it’s important not to gloss over that and give the person who’s grieving a
chance to share stories about their loved one.
Everything happens for a reason.
When you lose someone you love, it’s
difficult to agree that his death was part of some grand cosmic plan. “We have
to be careful not to make assumptions, as everyone reacts differently according
to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with
loss and available support,” says Tousley. She suggests skipping clichés like
this and instead giving the mourner some space to find her own answers. If you
offer words, she says, try, “I hope I’m one of the people who comforts you in
the weeks and months ahead.”
I know exactly how you feel.
Even if you’ve lost someone dear to
you in the past, you can’t know exactly how someone else feels because
you’re not in that person’s skin. Besides, trying to make a friend’s loss
relatable to something you’ve gone through takes the focus off of their needs
and places it on your experience. It might also end up offending. For example,
you may have truly adored your dog who recently died, but equating that to
losing a parent can sting. “You can’t compare losses,” says Kessler. “We can be
in similar situations, but saying ‘I understand your loss’ gets us in trouble
because we could be comparing a big loss with a small one.” Kessler says we’re
better off just saying, “I love you and you’re not alone.”
It’s time to put this behind you now
(or don’t dwell on it).
Loss can feel fresh for a while, so
telling a grieving person to just get over it can sound cruel. “People think
you should be done grieving after a year,” says Lori Pederson, who founded IDidNotKnowWhattoSay.com after she lost her mother. “But there
are times when I still miss my mom—and it’s been 19 years.” She says we have to
respect a person’s individual mourning process and also understand that grief
can rise up on birthdays and holidays and from other reminders. “Grief isn’t
something you get over,” says Pederson. “It’s something you learn to live
with.”
You’re still young. You can find
another husband/have another child.
A tragic loss—such as of a child or
spouse at an early age—is an unbearable loss, but in wanting to help the
mourner see that she can be happy again, we may say inappropriate things.
“I knew a woman who lost her husband, and her mother said, ‘You can get
married again,’” remembers Kessler. “I saw a devastated daughter
but also a mother trying to help her daughter live the life her husband would
have wanted her to live. Saying the wrong thing usually comes from wanting to
help,” explains Kessler. Instead of focusing on the future, help that person
celebrate the memory of her departed loved one by sharing a story about that
person, he suggests.
Let me know if you need anything (or
call me if you need to talk).
Mourners are often in an altered
state, and they aren’t necessarily sure what they need, says Pedersen. Plus,
they may not want to pick up the phone and burden others. When Pedersen lost
her mom, friends showed up and figured out what was needed in the moment. Some
people may feel that’s invasive, but Pedersen assures that visits and support
with everyday chores are appreciated. “Clean the house, take the kids to school
and go grocery shopping,” advises Pederson. Checking in on a person, and just
sitting with them for a while, can go a long way, too, she says. Welshons adds
that when his sister lost a child, she said the most helpful experience was
having two friends come over every day and cry with her. It’s work for you to
think of how to help, but it’s work worth doing.
I'm sure you did all you could.
Although you may feel you should
acknowledge the heroic efforts of those who nursed loved ones through illness,
refrain from saying this because you don’t know the full details of the
relationship. What if the mourner resented the care- giving role, had a
strained relationship with the deceased or feels guilty for not always being
loving with the sick person? “I’ve only said it in cases where I was
intimately familiar with how someone cared for a dying parent or spouse,” says
Welshons. A better way to express this: “I’ve never seen anyone care for a
loved one more completely than you have.”
He’s in a better place now.
After a long illness, it’s natural
for us to feel relieved that the person isn’t suffering anymore. But the friend
who lost a loved one may not be thinking along those same lines. Plus, they may
not share your beliefs on what happens after death. “When a mourner hears that,
they think, ‘a better place for my loved one is here, so why should I agree he
should be elsewhere?’” Welshons suggests allowing them to share how the
experience feels for them. “This is something most people won’t give a grieving
person a chance to do, yet it’s one of the best things you can do to help.”
Laurie Sue Brockway is author of
Your Interfaith Wedding and Pet Prayers and Blessings.
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