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Where I Am

It is strange, or so I think. I thought that I was off the tears lane if I may call it but the past few days, I have cried and cried. My beloved's statement sums it up..yesterday, he did not want to look at me while we talked..because he said these days I cry alot and anywhere and he needed assurance that I shall not cry as we spoke. After I promised not to cry, I asked him hard questions about God and I asked him to pray for me . Just having him listen to me means so much.

I admitted to him that God has really taken us through a very painful process. It has been 4 months since Jaden left us and I still ask God why and ask him to give him back to us imagine...I ask God to speak to me and tell me why Jaden? Is it about me? Am I stiff necked or what is it He wants me to see and learn through this. A mum this morning asked me' when shall this pain of losing our babies cease?"I responded by telling her I have been all tears and I have no answer as to when but am glad God is in the boat with me through the storm.

I asked God, how broken can I be after all these? I have people who ask me to remember to say a prayer for them and I confessed to Alex that I do not feel I have the capacity to pray. Yet Alex in his wisdom said that God is looking for a sincere heart and he thinks through the tears and just mentioning my cares and those of others to God,he receives them as prayers. For sure my beloved encouraged me and told me, even through the tears..God hears.

So I continue to pray for strength to face the day, everyday and ask God to soothe this heartache.

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