This morning I got a text message that Samara would not be going to school because of the political nominations taking place. So i decided to snooze in bed abit then prepare us for coming to work. Got to SAS Impressions and my day just felt abit disorgarnised. We walked in with a friend who didnt know we lost the baby and he was asking how baby is and just explaining Jaden rested just kinda distabilised me and I just had this feeling of being overwhelmed. It threw me off balance and all day I have just been feeling abit overwhelmed. Until Samara is assuring me that she is not disturbing me..its just me I guess.
Well , I am reading a book "Broken to be made whole" by Winnie Thuku and she shares her story on how she lost her daughter just before birth and all the emotions she has been going through. She shares her story ,2 years later and I just wish I can reach that stage, the stage of healing and looking back with joy...its been only 2 months since baby J left us and the pain and missing sometimes are so much.
I was proud of myself yesterday night. I had Jaden, my next door neighbour's son cry as I lay on my bed after putting Samara to sleep, and I felt ok about it. I actually said a prayer for him to be calm until I was tempted to go to Samar's room to see whether she also is hearing the baby cry..and as I heard him cry on, that pain in the stomach recurred,that pain that is not tangible, that pain of grief...I dashed back to my room and just slept.I am also in a support group of parents especially mums who have lost babies on facebook called "Gettin Through It' and I just envied a lady who shared with us that after losing her baby, she is now holding her 4 week son who resembles the baby that she lost...am envious imagine...will the Lord bless us one day with a child, a son who will look like my Jaden?Wah...
Anyways back to the book am reading...it has very interesting and challenging topics shared by Winnie..letting go and letting God,,a season of being still and knowing that He is God, vote of confidence in God. As I read some of this topics am not sure I want to engage so deeply with the topics..because it calls for trusting God, letting Him be incharge...I guess it may look easy to say let go and let God but the actual thing is quite hard...I couldn't believe that Winnie can actually look back 2 years after and say that losing her daughter was worth it...it has made her who she is today..one who is so dependent on God, one who is able to love more and care more for others...I long to see my life unfold, I long for this emptiness to just fade and have it filled by God...
Let me borrow something she shared" I have now learnt that all these were light afflictions,fashioned to be my stepping stones leading me to the path of a higher ground in my obedience to God,a higher ground of higher and greater faith,a higher ground of higher and greater faith,trust,love and higher and greater dependence on my God" This is my prayer, may I become who He wanted me to be..May losing Jaden be of greater value/worth and draw me closer to God...then maybe one day I too can say, it was painful to lose my boy, but it was all for a greater purpose.
But losing Jaden has changed my perspective about life. Am not sure there is anything more painful than losing a child that you carried for nine months and held in your hands. I said that am slowly learning that faith, hhope and love are the only things that matter at the end, after all is said and done. The faith and hope that baby J is with Jesus and happy there and that one day I shall see him again. The love that I have for Jaden is unconditional and transcends beyond death...the love I have for my son with never be replaced...and In my interpretation that is why I say at the end..all that matters is faith, hope and love....
Well , I am reading a book "Broken to be made whole" by Winnie Thuku and she shares her story on how she lost her daughter just before birth and all the emotions she has been going through. She shares her story ,2 years later and I just wish I can reach that stage, the stage of healing and looking back with joy...its been only 2 months since baby J left us and the pain and missing sometimes are so much.
I was proud of myself yesterday night. I had Jaden, my next door neighbour's son cry as I lay on my bed after putting Samara to sleep, and I felt ok about it. I actually said a prayer for him to be calm until I was tempted to go to Samar's room to see whether she also is hearing the baby cry..and as I heard him cry on, that pain in the stomach recurred,that pain that is not tangible, that pain of grief...I dashed back to my room and just slept.I am also in a support group of parents especially mums who have lost babies on facebook called "Gettin Through It' and I just envied a lady who shared with us that after losing her baby, she is now holding her 4 week son who resembles the baby that she lost...am envious imagine...will the Lord bless us one day with a child, a son who will look like my Jaden?Wah...
Anyways back to the book am reading...it has very interesting and challenging topics shared by Winnie..letting go and letting God,,a season of being still and knowing that He is God, vote of confidence in God. As I read some of this topics am not sure I want to engage so deeply with the topics..because it calls for trusting God, letting Him be incharge...I guess it may look easy to say let go and let God but the actual thing is quite hard...I couldn't believe that Winnie can actually look back 2 years after and say that losing her daughter was worth it...it has made her who she is today..one who is so dependent on God, one who is able to love more and care more for others...I long to see my life unfold, I long for this emptiness to just fade and have it filled by God...
Let me borrow something she shared" I have now learnt that all these were light afflictions,fashioned to be my stepping stones leading me to the path of a higher ground in my obedience to God,a higher ground of higher and greater faith,a higher ground of higher and greater faith,trust,love and higher and greater dependence on my God" This is my prayer, may I become who He wanted me to be..May losing Jaden be of greater value/worth and draw me closer to God...then maybe one day I too can say, it was painful to lose my boy, but it was all for a greater purpose.
But losing Jaden has changed my perspective about life. Am not sure there is anything more painful than losing a child that you carried for nine months and held in your hands. I said that am slowly learning that faith, hhope and love are the only things that matter at the end, after all is said and done. The faith and hope that baby J is with Jesus and happy there and that one day I shall see him again. The love that I have for Jaden is unconditional and transcends beyond death...the love I have for my son with never be replaced...and In my interpretation that is why I say at the end..all that matters is faith, hope and love....
Comments
I know you long you long for the years to pass, but the Lord must find value in days, the days that are adding up to your testimony, the days that you have learnt to wake up and look to God.
Sly, if others can testify, i know you will testify, you have a two months testimony now and God will carry you through and hold you through the storm.
I praise God for your courage!
I read that we can make precious memories out of what we have, and I think having a picture of him and Samara captures just that..the love she had for her brother...(however am looking for help on how to reduce the size though)
Indeed Emma, one step at a time, I will get there.
How am I doing? I am well, God has carried me and my family through that pain and I cant believe how he reaches us where we are at.
I have also attended the children are a gift support group for about 2 meetings and that helped in a way.