2 months now since my baby went to be with Jesus. Oh and the
pain in my heart is so fresh. The past past few days ,I have just been in tears and so low.I have been reading
about God being the potter and me being the clay and He doing the molding and
am struggling with this. It is so hard to take in God’s word and will…for my good? The
clay doesn’t dictate what the potter should do with it..and I only tell God to
hold my hand.
Over the weekend, we met our couples group and had a lovely
time. We were to share among other things our highlights and lows of the
previous year and I just couldn’t talk..all I could do was cry and cry and
thank God for my beloved who shared on our behalf. I look back at 2012 with a
bitter taste in my mouth. It was a very very hard year for me and having Jaden
was the greatest highlight. Taking him home and having baby gal embrace him
with all her heart just melted my heart. It was a joy ,such a joy to have the
four of us together. Baby gal loved Jaden so much that she always had to say
good bye before she left for school.I dreaded that whole Christmas season..I wondered what people were celebrating ..yes I thanked God for the family and friends we have but that celebratory mood...then new years eve..was also so painful. I cried when Alex told me happy new year at midnight...I couldn't believe how that year had been so painful and was just gone..my baby was not destined to see the new year..when someone prayed in a function we attended on the 1st of January that there are some who didn't make it to the new year and we should be grateful..I knew my baby was in that category..goodness, the sting of death is so painful..thing one can't compare losing a child with anything..I miss my handsome ,calm boy...
I miss my boy , that pain is not tangible. At times I feel
like the handkerchief is my constant companion. I went back full time to work
on 7th January. On baby gal's 3rd birthday. I felt guilty
because instead of being all joyful, I
was so down that day. I wished baby J would have been here for us to celebrate his sister's milestone.She too was unwell and we had to take her to a clinic which
ended up putting IV on her hand for the tonsils she had. Being in that room
brought back too many memories of our son..We went for 3 days to get her
medication through the IV and each day I remembered how Jaden used to get his medication
calmly through the same and how bold he was..Baby gal got herself a new purple bicycle. She has been praying to God for mummy and daddy to get pesa to buy her and we needed her to know that indeed God does answer prayers.She got well and went to school to celebrate her birthday with her classmates and she was quite thrilled.
Many of my clients have asked about baby
that week and I have explained but there was grace. Now I need grace for this
week. I have cried in the queue, in the bus and at work...guess we have our days ..some good , some not so good..My prayer to God is oh Lord hold my hand....please hold me
Lord so that I can stand. I am at bitterness stage and my husband is reminding
me that God is Just and all he does is good. He tells me that we may not
comprehend what that fully means but our God is good. You see, why I struggle
is because I love God and I know He is Sovereign but I miss my baby and would
love him here with me. I feel like I have been left empty handed and I hear Him
tell me He is enough…it is so ironical isn't it?I just look at my baby’s pictures on my phone and laptop and try to hang
on to the memories. It is a hard place to be at..am listening to a message
titled Unreasonable will of God.
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