Skip to main content

My constant Companion-2 Months Later


2 months now since my baby went to be with Jesus. Oh and the pain in my heart is so fresh. The past past few days ,I have just been in tears and so low.I have been reading about God being the potter and me being the clay and He doing the molding and am struggling with this. It is so hard to take in God’s word and will…for my good? The clay doesn’t dictate what the potter should do with it..and I only tell God to hold my hand.

Over the weekend, we met our couples group and had a lovely time. We were to share among other things our highlights and lows of the previous year and I just couldn’t talk..all I could do was cry and cry and thank God for my beloved who shared on our behalf. I look back at 2012 with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was a very very hard year for me and having Jaden was the greatest highlight. Taking him home and having baby gal embrace him with all her heart just melted my heart. It was a joy ,such a joy to have the four of us together. Baby gal loved Jaden so much that she always had to say good bye before she left for school.I dreaded that whole Christmas season..I wondered what people were celebrating ..yes I thanked God for the family and friends we have but that celebratory mood...then new years eve..was also so painful. I cried when Alex told me happy new year at midnight...I couldn't believe how that year had been so painful and was just gone..my baby was not destined to see the new year..when someone prayed in a function we attended on the 1st of January that there are some who didn't make it to the new year and we should be grateful..I knew my baby was in that category..goodness, the sting of death is so painful..thing one can't compare losing a child with anything..I miss my handsome ,calm boy...

I miss my boy , that pain is not tangible. At times I feel like the handkerchief is my constant companion. I went back full time to work on 7th January. On baby gal's 3rd birthday. I felt guilty because  instead of being all joyful, I was so down that day. I wished baby J would have been here for us to celebrate his sister's milestone.She too was unwell and we had to take her to a clinic which ended up putting IV on her hand for the tonsils she had. Being in that room brought back too many memories of our son..We went for 3 days to get her medication  through the IV and each day I remembered how Jaden used to get his medication calmly through the same and how bold he was..Baby gal got herself a new purple bicycle. She has been praying to God for mummy and daddy to get pesa to buy her and we needed her to know that indeed God does answer prayers.She got well and went to school to celebrate her birthday with her classmates and she was quite thrilled.

Many of my clients have asked about baby that week and I have explained but there was grace. Now I need grace for this week. I have cried in the queue, in the bus and at work...guess we have our days ..some good , some not so good..My prayer to God is oh Lord hold my hand....please hold me Lord so that I can stand. I am at bitterness stage and my husband is reminding me that God is Just and all he does is good. He tells me that we may not comprehend what that fully means but our God is good. You see, why I struggle is because I love God and I know He is Sovereign but I miss my baby and would love him here with me. I feel like I have been left empty handed and I hear Him tell me He is enough…it is so ironical isn't it?I just look at my baby’s  pictures on my phone and laptop and try to hang on to the memories. It is a hard place to be at..am listening to a message titled Unreasonable will of God.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Unconditional love

As I went home last yesterday, I heard the song 'In harms way'  by BeBe Winans, Rhett Lawrence, Margaret Bell-Byars. When listening to music, I want to know the lyrics,what the song is communicating and how it applies in my life. This song reminds me of God's unconditional love, even when I do not deserve it, even when I have given up , even when he knows all He knows about me, he doesn't let go of me. That is just amazing. Undying love you've given to me Seen in me things I would never have seen I don't understand why you care so much, it's all a mystery Time and time again I ask myself What have I done to deserve such wealth The price you paid, I could never repay your generosity Chorus: In wanting to save me In order to save the day Because of love you placed yourself In harm's way It's truly beyond me Left without a word to say What kind of love would place itself In harm's way? What kind of love would place itself In harm...

My Journey with Caleb's Family

A friend requested me to share my story on the journey we walked with Caleb's family. So below is a very long blog on that over 1 month. Am not sure what is in store for us ahead but this far it has been God. After our experience with Atrial Septal Defect(ASD) through our daughter Samara, I felt within me a call to look for people to partner with regarding kids with heart issues. So In January this year, I checked the net and bumped into a local NGO. The organization basically deals with kids with heart defects from poor families. I thought it was a noble call and contacted the organization. They were fast to respond and I visited them alone and over the weekend on a Saturday with my family. On the Saturday we went, we met Caleb and his parents. This was end of January and they were discussing with the founder of the organization about how to raise airfare for them to travel to India, first week of February. I held Caleb briefly in my arms and his mum kept saying one day her...

Atrial Septal Defect

Atrial septal defect (ASD), is a heart condition that can affect kids. Normal Heart Function To understand an ASD, it helps to know how the heart works. The heart has four chambers. The lower chambers of the heart are called the ventricles: a left ventricle and a right ventricle. The upper chambers are the atria and there are two— a left atrium and a right atrium. You may already know that your heart is a muscle that pumps blood throughout your body. In a person without a heart defect, blue blood that's low in oxygen flows first to the right atrium, then to the right ventricle, and is then pumped to the lungs to receive oxygen. The red oxygen-rich blood then returns to the left atrium, flows from there into the left ventricle, and heads out to the body through the aorta, a large blood vessel that carries blood from the heart to the smaller blood vessels in the body. Between the right and left atria is a wall called the septum that...