I woke up this morning feeling very moody. I was feeling
quite impatient even with baby gal as I prepared her for school and kept telling myself I can’t do this when I felt she was not cooperating.
Well, a close relative, with all the love wrote me an email yesterday stating
that “we need a chat on the causes of congenital heart defect which are partly
unknown but also genetically caused. While one can do nothing about the genetic
component the environmental association can be controlled especially within the
first three months of pregnancy. You need to keep healthy, minimize stress and
gain some weight” .
Frankly speaking, this is an area I would rather steer clear
away from because it brings out my greatest fears. You know baby gal had an
open heart surgery in October 2011 to close the "hole in the heart"(ASD ) she had. We asked what
would have caused it and the doctors said it can not be explained but also may
be caused by maybe drugs or something consumed in early months of pregnancy and
as much as I wanted to believe that it could have been caused by an unknown, I
had also been given some drug in my early weeks of pregnancy, because the
doctors nor us knew we were pregnant..there was a misdiagnosis. Throughout that
pregnancy I kept praying that baby was well and she came out all good until we
discovered she had the ASD and I felt guilty and at back of my mind blamed the
radiologist who misdiagnosed but I thought I forgave.I guess the surgery brought much healing to us, the dark cloud had passed.
After the surgery, I was scared to get pregnant again, maybe
the same heart issue would recur. But in life there are no guarantees..We
conceived in January 2012 and this time round I was very careful about the
drugs I took, always pointing out that am pregnant even to the doctors/chemist for
simple drugs and reading the leaflets and raising my concern if anything
pointed out that the drug was not ideal for pregnant women.
I must admit that
carrying baby J was very different from Samara’s. I have blogged before on all
the challenges I had and I remember admitting to my sister that it was a
difficult pregnancy. Truth be told I feared, I kept feeling like I would lose
my baby, not sure why but I kept telling the Lord to uphold me, take care of the baby. Sometime in
June, I fell sick with a flu that lasted for about 3 weeks, did a few doctor
visits, antibiotics which didn’t help to much and finally ended up seeing
a chest physician who gave me inhalers that made me feel so much better. I didn’t
eat much ,vomited and hardly gained weight(you see where the fears were). Every appointment with the doctor,
I asked whether baby was good, was he affected by my being unwell for that
duration. Despite my not gaining weight, baby’s heart beat and growth were ok
and I kept hopeful.
Fast forward, baby J arrived 10 days past his due date,
3.15kgs and a joy to us and 3 weeks down the line, we go see our cardiologist
and my worst nightmare comes true. Baby J’s heart is fine but he has coarctation/narrowing
of the aorta which is a major vein for transporting blood to the rest of the lower body but it can be repaired with an end to end surgery. When I saw the
doctor remove the echo machine, my heart almost popped out of my body. I shared
my worst fears with him and Alex but the doc said he understood but we would rather
know.
That night I asked my beloved whether my genes contributed to heart issues..why were our
babies having issues I asked the doctor and he again said at times you just
cant explain it , it just happens..I did not want to hear that..Why did it just have to happen to us? Infact in my
mind I knew, baby J was our last born..I was not going to go through pregnancy
again…never once did I think baby J would be no more…the cardiologist during
his visit after we were admitted with baby J, mentioned that for our next baby/pregnancy
, I would have to be monitored through out..and again in my head I was like I
do not want to discuss this because am not getting another baby, am
done and happy with our 2 babies.
So getting that email yesterday, brought out so much guilt,
I am not sure whether I am to blame. I am preaching to myself and saying God
knows us even before we are in our mother’s womb..so God knew Jaden,, infact He
gave me the name Jaden when I was 5months pregnant and it means in Hebrew “God
Heard”. I am born again and love the Lord but sincerely speaking I do not
understand and I may never understand why our son had to go so soon. I have
wondered many times..why Lord did you give me that name? What have you heard
because I pleaded for life for Jaden but you chose to take him? Why did
you take Jaden away? Why did he have the narrowing of the aorta? What does that mean for us? Ironically, I know Jaden lived for the time God had
planned for him to live from January -November 10th 2012 and achieved his purpose....such a painful reality, as I feel like God pulled a rug underneath my
feet..so unexpected..
My beloved has been of immense support. I shared the email
with him, and shared my thoughts of maybe I am to blame for baby J’ being
unwell putting the facts on the table. He reassured me that none of us is to blame and it is ok to miss baby J
but not to go to the whys or blame game.He said baby J would love us to be strong and happy and not to blame ourselves. He reassured me of his love and that
God loves us and that He is sovereign and our destiny is in His Hand. He said
how he and baby gal need me healthy and well . That I should not accept to go
down that road of depression.
I am trying to preach to myself, listen to
preachings and songs just to keep ministering to myself. Oh dear Lord uphold
me, do not let me slip , because without you am not able.
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