As the one-year anniversary of Matthew's death approaches, I have been
shocked by some subtle and not-so-subtle comments indicating that
perhaps I should be ready to "move on." The soft, compassionate cocoon
that has enveloped us for the last 11 1/2 months had lulled me into
believing others would be patient with us on our grief journey, and
while I’m sure many will read this and quickly say “Take all the time
you need,” I’m increasingly aware that the cocoon may be in the process
of collapsing. It’s understandable when you take a step back. I mean,
life goes on. The thousands who supported us in the aftermath of
Matthew’s suicide wept and mourned with us, prayed passionately for us,
and sent an unbelievable volume of cards, letters, emails, texts, phone
calls, and gifts. The support was utterly amazing. But for most, life
never stopped – their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic
halt on April 5, 2013. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily
forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals
etc. LIFE GOES ON. And some of them are ready for us to go on too. They
want the old Rick and Kay back. They secretly wonder when things will
get back to normal for us – when we’ll be ourselves, when the tragedy of
April 5, 2013 will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across.
And I have to tell you – the old Rick and Kay are gone. They’re never
coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new
“normal.” April 5, 2013 has permanently marked us. It will remain the
grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of
time….maybe forever.
Because these comments from well-meaning folks wounded me so deeply, I doubted myself and thought perhaps I really am not grieving “well” (whatever that means). I wondered if I was being overly sensitive –so I checked with parents who have lost children to see if my experience was unique. Far from it, I discovered. “At least you can have another child” one mother was told shortly after her child’s death. “You’re doing better, right?” I was asked recently. “When are you coming back to the stage at Saddleback? We need you” someone cluelessly said to me recently. “People can be so rude and insensitive; they make the most thoughtless comments,” one grieving father said. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that it was standard in our culture for people to officially be in mourning for a full year. They wore black. They didn’t go to parties. They didn’t smile a whole lot. And everybody accepted their period of mourning; no one ridiculed a mother in black or asked her stupid questions about why she was STILL so sad. Obviously, this is no longer accepted practice; mourners are encouraged to quickly move on, turn the corner, get back to work, think of the positive, be grateful for what is left, have another baby, and other unkind, unfeeling, obtuse and downright cruel comments. What does this say about us - other than we’re terribly uncomfortable with death, with grief, with mourning, with loss – or we’re so self-absorbed that we easily forget the profound suffering the loss of a child creates in the shattered parents and remaining children.
Unless you’ve stood by the grave of your child or cradled the urn that holds their ashes, you’re better off keeping your words to some very simple phrases: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m praying for you and your family.” Do your best to avoid the meaningless, catch-all phrase “How are you doing?” This question is almost impossible to answer. If you’re a stranger, it’s none of your business. If you’re a casual acquaintance, it’s excruciating to try to answer honestly, and you leave the sufferer unsure whether to lie to you (I’m ok) to end the conversation or if they should try to haltingly tell you that their right arm was cut off and they don’t know how to go on without it. If you’re a close friend, try telling them instead, “You don’t have to say anything at all; I’m with you in this.”
None of us wants to be like Job’s friends – the pseudo comforters who drove him mad with their questions, their wrong conclusions and their assumptions about his grief. But too often we end up a 21st century Bildad, Eliphaz or Zophar – we fill the uncomfortable silence with words that wound rather than heal. I’m sad to realize that even now – in the middle of my own shattering loss – I can be callous with the grief of another and rush through the conversation without really listening, blithely spouting the platitudes I hate when offered to me. We’re not good grievers, and when I judge you, I judge myself as well.
Here’s my plea: Please don’t ever tell someone to be grateful for what they have left until they’ve had a chance to mourn what they’ve lost. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, rational or even right. But that’s ok. True friends – unlike Job’s sorry excuse for friends – love at all times, and brothers and sisters are born to help in time of need (Prov. 17:17 LB).The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”
Because these comments from well-meaning folks wounded me so deeply, I doubted myself and thought perhaps I really am not grieving “well” (whatever that means). I wondered if I was being overly sensitive –so I checked with parents who have lost children to see if my experience was unique. Far from it, I discovered. “At least you can have another child” one mother was told shortly after her child’s death. “You’re doing better, right?” I was asked recently. “When are you coming back to the stage at Saddleback? We need you” someone cluelessly said to me recently. “People can be so rude and insensitive; they make the most thoughtless comments,” one grieving father said. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that it was standard in our culture for people to officially be in mourning for a full year. They wore black. They didn’t go to parties. They didn’t smile a whole lot. And everybody accepted their period of mourning; no one ridiculed a mother in black or asked her stupid questions about why she was STILL so sad. Obviously, this is no longer accepted practice; mourners are encouraged to quickly move on, turn the corner, get back to work, think of the positive, be grateful for what is left, have another baby, and other unkind, unfeeling, obtuse and downright cruel comments. What does this say about us - other than we’re terribly uncomfortable with death, with grief, with mourning, with loss – or we’re so self-absorbed that we easily forget the profound suffering the loss of a child creates in the shattered parents and remaining children.
Unless you’ve stood by the grave of your child or cradled the urn that holds their ashes, you’re better off keeping your words to some very simple phrases: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m praying for you and your family.” Do your best to avoid the meaningless, catch-all phrase “How are you doing?” This question is almost impossible to answer. If you’re a stranger, it’s none of your business. If you’re a casual acquaintance, it’s excruciating to try to answer honestly, and you leave the sufferer unsure whether to lie to you (I’m ok) to end the conversation or if they should try to haltingly tell you that their right arm was cut off and they don’t know how to go on without it. If you’re a close friend, try telling them instead, “You don’t have to say anything at all; I’m with you in this.”
None of us wants to be like Job’s friends – the pseudo comforters who drove him mad with their questions, their wrong conclusions and their assumptions about his grief. But too often we end up a 21st century Bildad, Eliphaz or Zophar – we fill the uncomfortable silence with words that wound rather than heal. I’m sad to realize that even now – in the middle of my own shattering loss – I can be callous with the grief of another and rush through the conversation without really listening, blithely spouting the platitudes I hate when offered to me. We’re not good grievers, and when I judge you, I judge myself as well.
Here’s my plea: Please don’t ever tell someone to be grateful for what they have left until they’ve had a chance to mourn what they’ve lost. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, rational or even right. But that’s ok. True friends – unlike Job’s sorry excuse for friends – love at all times, and brothers and sisters are born to help in time of need (Prov. 17:17 LB).The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”
Comments
Nathan lasted 7 more years, graduating Magna cum Laude in physics, math and economics. A brilliant and perfect son.
His brother was a brilliantly, intensely and creatively funny genius, so much so that you'd beg him to stop lest you fall on the ground and pee your pants. Beautiful Dee, beautiful Nathan. Both born again & filled with the Holy Spirit. Knew the Word in a way that none of their friends knew. Never budged from the truths, whether they were able to walk those truths or not. Truth is Truth. Nathan would tell me in his profound way,' Mom...life is not fair and never will be; but it is fair in its unfairness. ' My text to him saying "Nathan, go home, get some rest. God's got your back, your front, abd both your sides' was the last text on his phone before he jumped from the highest overpass he could find onto a highway below, to be run over by poor and now traumatized drivers.
We have one remaining child, my daughter, whose doting daddy was killed in a fatal head-on collision 5 months later. God; love Audra who has more than she can take.
I am grateful , Rick and Kay for your sharing. Due to your high profile position; you can reach & affect more lives than I. But we are the same...3 individuals longing for Heaven to fall crying into the arms of Jesus and be whole again...and to cover our sons with so many kisses until they say ' Mom, Dad...enough! I have friends here !! But never stop..I've waited for you so long. I need you to fully live again'
I am one of the few sisters who has earned my stripes, deeply defined and now changed in a way I never wanted. I can say
' I know. I really do. Drown me with your tears if you want to; I don't mind.'
Much, much love and hope for the rest of our days here.
To the stars and Beyond!
: )
Pam ♡