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3 Months Already


I can’t believe it has been 3 months since I laid my eyes on my baby and held him. Where have the days gone too, at times I do not want the days to pass by because the more the days go the further the memories I hang on too become a distant memory . I do not want to forget your kiss, your smell, your touch and cry Jaden. Such little memories to hold on to, it is unbelievable.Yet am thankful. I have talked to mums who did not get to have any memories with their babies and for that dear Lord I say thank you.

I have been well, actually started counseling sessions at Amani Centre, I have done 1 session so far and that day I thought I was strong in the morning, only to go for the session and narrate what happened to baby and I cried my eyes out. The 1 hour didn’t feel enough and I felt like I would cry a bucket when I got to the car but I didn’t. Instead I chose to go to the grave in Lang’ata  Cemetery but still I could not connect with it and left after a few minutes. Since then, my week has just been so hard. I have cried, didn't feel like being a mum, a wife anymore. I just wanted to be me alone..I know it is not the best place to be at but it has just been so hard this week. I want my baby boy. I so desperately want to hold him in my arms. I have become envious of people with babies.I see them and just wish I had my son. I have asked God why and the heavens are so silent.Everything works for the good..mmh..

Baby gal has been asking me about baby and whether we shall take a plane to go see her brother. She gathers babies go to heaven or when he brother becomes big , he can come to be with us. I have tried to explain but I know it is hard for her too. She has asked about thrice now this week whether we shall have another baby who can come home and stay with us and we tell her , one day God will bless us with one. But 3 months now and I miss Jaden so much. I am told by other mums that the third month is quite difficult..

So today, I want to celebrate my son. I thank God that despite all, he gave us moments, precious ones to share with Jaden. I was looking at the pictures we took at birth and the joy on our faces. Our family and friends were also quite excited. Baby gal was so proud to be a big sister and that keeps ringing in my head ever so often that she will be a big sister forever. She really loved that phrase “am a big sister”. I look back and am amazed at the capacity she had for loving her brother. Never once did we see her resenting him. She loved him and am so so glad.



Today, I went to town and printed out digital pictures of Jaden from birth. I have been scared that we may lose them in digital form and because they are the only tangible thing we have, I have put them in an album. While they printed the photos, I went looking around for an album and I saw this lovely album at one store. The lady selling it was so passionate..the album had so much details finger prints,foot prints, favourite story, first words..it catered for  age 1-3 years I think. She really was emphasizing how I should take it and in my heart I was about to burst..how I wish I would have the chance to jot down Jaden’s favourite song, how I wished, I had his finger print or size of his foot, or his hair…There was just not enough time for us. We have something similar for Samara but baby J we were planning to get one. You see , we had such plans for our boy but God just pulled that rug under us and all we have are pictures and memories in our heart. The songs Jaden knew were the songs we sang to him "Jesus loves Him "and "kwani ni jambo gani" and "I love you song". For a while, I couldn’t stand those songs because they so vividly reminded me of my boy especially all the songs I sang to him while we were in hospital and that Friday evening before he passed on the next day.

So today, I just pray for renewed strength. Some friends are planning a baby shower for one who has been a longtime friend nd I was included in the email. I humbly requested to be excused and someone really apologized for being insensitive. But you see life has moved on for all and it is not their fault. There was a lady I was to meet from last year, and it hasn’t been possible. So this day, we met face to face and she apologized for being busy and her diary was still quite full as she was planning her son’s wedding. She tried to squeeze me into her busy schedule but I requested her to finish with the wedding then perhaps we can meet. But that was a wake up call for me ,like hey life is still happening, and it is not her fault. 

So as I find my footing, I continue to pray to God to give me and my family grace to embrace each day because I thought this pain in the stomach, that sickening feeling of missing Jaden would fade but seems like it has come but again I say it is ok, after all Jaden is my son, he was and still is a part of my life. I am proud to have him and his sister as my screensaver on my phone and my computer because I love them and they are my bundle of joy. Am so happy to finally have the pictures in hard copy, sweet bitter memories.

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