My Life

I must have shared earlier on my next door neighbour's baby. The baby was born sometime in early December and the mum has said she would name him Jaden. At the time when we talked, Jaden was just a few days old and well. It has been such an internal battle within me from the time he was brought home. I had such mixed feelings. When he came home, I was so envious of his mum...she had her 3rd child while mine was gone..It tortured me that my Jaden had gone to be with the Lord and they had their Jaden..just the idea that the baby shares the name with my son, makes it so difficult. The other day, I felt proud of myself because when I heard him cry last week, I could handle it, but of late he has been crying quite abit even this morning and I just broke down as we prayed on the breakfast table. I have been telling myself am not even sure they called him Jaden, and sometimes its easy to see his clothes on the hang line and not feel bad but sometimes it is hard. One day, I shall reach a...

This morning I got a text message that Samara would not be going to school because of the political nominations taking place. So i decided to snooze in bed abit then prepare us for coming to work. Got to SAS Impressions and my day just felt abit disorgarnised. We walked in with a friend who didnt know we lost the baby and he was asking how baby is and just explaining Jaden rested just kinda distabilised me and I just had this feeling of being overwhelmed. It threw me off balance and all day I have just been feeling abit overwhelmed. Until Samara is assuring me that she is not disturbing me..its just me I guess. Well , I am reading a book "Broken to be made whole" by Winnie Thuku and she shares her story on how she lost her daughter just before birth and all the emotions she has been going through. She shares her story ,2 years later and I just wish I can reach that stage, the stage of healing and looking back with joy...its been only 2 months since baby J left us and the pai...

2 months now since my baby went to be with Jesus. Oh and the pain in my heart is so fresh. The past past few days ,I have just been in tears and so low.I have been reading about God being the potter and me being the clay and He doing the molding and am struggling with this. It is so hard to take in God’s word and will…for my good? The clay doesn’t dictate what the potter should do with it..and I only tell God to hold my hand. Over the weekend, we met our couples group and had a lovely time. We were to share among other things our highlights and lows of the previous year and I just couldn’t talk.. all I could do was cry and cry and thank God for my beloved who shared on our behalf. I look back at 2012 with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was a very very hard year for me and having Jaden was the greatest highlight. Taking him home and having baby gal embrace him with all her heart just melted my heart. It was a joy ,such a joy to have the four of us together. Baby gal loved Jaden ...

A client called  this week specifically to find out about the baby.She had bought a gift for baby and wanted to know how we were doing. Being a mum of two ,I didn't know how to tell her about my baby not being with me.I finally gathered myself and I explained Jaden's story and she felt quite guilty about having asked but again I explained it was not her fault. That afternoon another client called and after talking about a product she wanted she remembered that she had seen me pregnant sometime back and asked whether I got the baby, and I said yes and brushed it off. She said she would come by the office the next day and I was like phew, I wont be there to explain anything but she changed her mind and said she would pop into the shop on this particular day. Samara was taking her nap when the client came with her family and she asked oh..you have the older one here..where is the small one..at home? Awkward place to be at... So that has been my experience this week. How does it ...

A few days after bring baby J home, we met our next door neighbor who was expectant and due in December.We chatted and we found out that she too was expecting a boy and had coincidentally picked same names for our boys.Last week,her child came home and I couldn't help but feel so emotional. A Jaden is next door and my Jaden ain't here with us.I never knew clothes on a hang line could bother me so much..I admire the baby clothes they hang to dry..they are right outside my daughter's bedroom window. I have no problem holding and cuddling babies,even after Jaden passsed on,but the fact that my next door new born is my son's namesake...a constant reminder ..All I can pray is for God's peace to reign,I know the Lord will grant us grace and peace..lakini his ni ngumu kiasi                                                We are blessed with wonderful friends who do not mind ...

Jaden,I can't find the right words to express the void within me. I miss you so much my son,my peaceful one.Never did you give us a hard time. last month,a day like today you were in the ICU.As I was about to leave for home at night,I called your name and you responded so well. I sang to you,the song that you seemed to love 'I love you,you love me,we are a happy family,with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,won't you say you love me too'.As I sang you moved so much towards me in the incubator and I cried because I longed to hold you and cuddle you like I did before the surgery.I cried all the way home. I didn't know that it was our last mum to son bonding session.I didn't know that one month later, I would still cry like I did but this time, I can't look forward to seeing your handsome face tomorrow after being away for the nite. Jaden,I miss you dearly,I feel the pain in my stomach,a day hasn't passed without wondering whether am dreaming or it ...

I love God because He holds our world and no matter how much at times you want time to stop, it just moves on. God created time so that we have new days, with new grace and mercies. Everyday we take a step towards healing and I strongly believe that, I find that amazing and wonderful. Last Friday, baby gal was closing school and they had a number of presentations. She did the opening prayer and it was so special to us. She prayed so confidently, holding the microphone and praying with all sincerity. I cried as my heart melted. They had other presentations, some she chose to just stand and stare, maybe stage fright and some she danced so well. So we have been home with her since then and it has been great just playing, bathing her, going for walks with her. She has really become independent and keeps reminding me she is big. She has also been very firm on asking for a pink big bicycle.We did some window shopping and saw some orange and purple ones with her and she was very clear that ...