My Life

He is 3years today, what an amazing journey this has been. God is faithful,even after the darkness there is light , there is hope,there is healing and joy cometh after the sorrow.This morning as I drove to work, I just sat in the car and cried, tears of joy, tears of how God has been great and faithful. Nate is a blessing to me and our entire blessings. Children born after the loss of another are called rainbow babies, not sure why but the rainbow is beautiful, you never look at the rainbow and your heart isn't warmed. The rainbow was also a covenant from God. Am thankful for Nate, this handsome boy tells you thank you many times, appreciates every little thing you do, he appreciates and complements when you go to salon,he hugs and demands to be listened too.He is sensitive yet so loving. A blessing, a real blessing. May you be encouraged today.

I have always looked at life as a journey because there is never a time you can say you have reached your destination.Yes you may have milestones but a final destination am not sure that is possible. This morning as I walked from Nairobi Hospital, I thought to myself  that it has been almost 5years since Jaden passed on in the very hospital.I told myself that despite God being a healer of our broken hearts,  things I  thought were obvious like visiting patients in hospital are not automatic. It takes strength and God to help me walk into some of these places, despite the number of years that have gone by. The initial years after loss, I didn't even want to walk or drive past that hospital, with time there were wards I would go to and some I wouldn't go to date. My girlfriend is admitted in a female ward  and I have been visiting her with no issues.However, she needed a surgical procedure and was to be in HDU after surgery for observation then go back to the ward....

The other day, Nate and I went to see a friend's newborn baby. When we got home, Samara asked whether the baby was a boy or girl. So I said its a boy and she said" so auntie is a mum of three boys and you mummy are a mum to 1 girl and 2 boys" and moved on with her life. Oh, that warmed my heart, that Samara knows that I am a mother of three, how amazing is that. Even when Jaden is not here she remembers him and still counts him as a sibling, it really warmed my heart. At the beginning of the year after church, as we drank tea with a friend,another lady came and suggested that I should get baby number 3, I quickly told her am ok with the 2 God has given me. My friend quickly added that after all there is no pressure, am already a mum of three and that also quietened my heart. I appreciated that she also viewed me as a mum of three. I guess you wondering where am going with all this but I just wanted to show that the pressure is real and constant reminders that you are ...

For sure the journey continues everyday. I was shocked at myself last year when Jaden's 4th year anniversary came and I moaned so deeply. I cried alot, felt like I had gone back to the initial days when we just lost him, i felt depressed and was so so sad for weeks. I tried to ask why that happened and I realised that, while aiding a friend who was admitted in a certain hospital during that time, I got to interact with a mum who was also admitted with her 5 day old daughter who was to undergo surgery, we interacted almost on a daily basis until they were discharged . However, I could identify with that mum's fears before surgery, when baby was in surgery and when baby got out of surgery alive and safe. I guess all that just took me down, don't get me wrong, I was so so happy for her that they went in and came out safe. I guess, I just wished that my story was like that, ended with a happy ending and so when the day Jaden passed came, I moaned and moaned deeply. But God is f...

My Samara, is all grown now. Yes she is 7years yet behaves more grown up than that, at times asking very tough questions, having her own mind and ideas and opinions. All in all am grateful. Earlier in the year, I felt inadequate to be her mom, yes, I felt like we were clashing so much on most things and I felt like am failing at parenting my baby girl. But it dawned on me that she is growing and instead of handing down instructions,we must sit and discuss, that way we get to talk and agree on issues. With that approach ,I feel much better. Many years ago when Samara got her open heart surgery, my greatest worry was the scar on the chest, I prayed that it would disappear and that we would never have to answer any questions or have the scar affect Samara's self-esteem.But I had read other people's experiences and of course the scar stays. So the day I feared came yesterday, when Samara asked what happened pointing to the scar...I had to explain to her that she had a hole in the...

Whoever said grieving is a journey was so right. Jaden, I have missed you, I have cried for you this 2 months from your birthday. I wanted you here with me and with us. Your sister and brother shower me with much love, especially when am down somehow the letters under the pillow from Samara and the hugs and kisses from Nate are so so many. Today it is 4 years since that day you went to be with the Lord. I pray for strength for today and the days ahead. I love you much my baby until we meet I hide you in my heart forever.

My dearest Jaden, I can't believe that October is here again and October 13th you would have been 4 years . Time sure does fly baby and hope you having a blast in Heaven. The other day, your big sister Samara asked when is your birthday. I found that question strange but was proud to say October 13th and am sure she marked the date in her heart. I am so happy that through you Jaden, I became a mum of 2. Through you coming into our lives, my eyes were opened to eternity and a closer relationship with God. I miss you most times. The other day, I met a boy who is almost 4years and for a moment I imagined that you were that size. Oh baby boy, am so thankful to God for all and I promise to celebrate your 4th birthday in my own way. We love you and we still love October, its my best month.