My Life

When you receive the news of death,the first question is what happened? We seek understanding of events that led to the death? Our minds cannot take gaps and need clear information where possible to help take in the news.If the communication is not clear or confusing, then our minds make up stories on what we think/ imagine may have happened.This is not ill intended ,it is just a way to help us cope with the devastating loss. To avoid speculation and misunderstandings ( where possible) ,it is important to explain what happened ( of course age appropriately). However,as humans ,we are different and process issues differently. As always, whether it is clear or not on what may have happened,let us be kind and show compassion.Remember,even the person or people explaining 'what happened' are equally grieving,in shock and trying to understand. Kindness and compassion always.

When death happens,we try and make sense of it by asking :what,where when,how,who and why? With everyone trying to make sense of the news,we all interpret it in different ways.Some become numb,some blame others or themselves,some are angry at everyone including the person who has died. Death is always shocking yet it's bound to happen.It leaves us with more questions than answers.Maybe that's why it's a mystery and we are never ready for it and its effects. At times death feels so unfair and life seems meaningless. In our trying to find answers or to make sense of the death,let us remember people are grieving and hurting.Our words and our actions can harm more than comfort. Let us be kind and show compassion. Sylvia Grief Educator

I was ushered into personal grief in November 2012. Over the years,I have purposed not to waste my pain and have developed great interest in loss& grief.Initially,I focused on death of a loved one but with time,I have discovered that loss is experienced in so many other ways like loss of health, relationship, friendship,work,pets or dreams etc. However,the past few months as I have read posts on grief,I have been fascinated with this words ' grief changes us'.Yes,I thought that was obvious but I didn't realize that there is a before& after the loss.One starts looking at life through the lens of before and after the loss. Loss changes your identity and I have been trying to remember,who was I before I lost my son 13years? What parts of me changed after the loss? That's what's been really nagging me lately.Did I smile more,laugh a little louder,was I more carefree with life? What was my before? What was your before? Is there anything I would want t...

Yesterday in Church,the service host asked how 2025 has been? He asked whether it has been a great year or it's  a year one would rather forget because of the challenges encountered? Thankfully my 2025 has been a good year but it reminded me of 2012,a year that was bitter sweet.One I would have liked to delete and forget yet there in lies sweet memories of Jaden. 2012 had been difficult ,dramatic with many transitions.When I look back sometimes I wonder if I was mildly depressed yet I was hopeful.I was looking forward to October when baby boy would finally be born and that would make the year better.Jaden was born on the 13th October 2012 and I was a happy mother of two for at least 2 weeks.Then came visits to the doctor, a 'simple' closed heart surgery,two days after surgery on 10th November my baby passed on and a burial on 13th November 2012 . Holiday seasons are difficult for a grieving person,family or community.There is nothing merry about Christmas.Then came Crossove...

Today,I chose to celebrate life and did a walk in honour of Jaden's 13th Birthday.I pushed it further to settle a promise to his younger brother& a friend who had asked I do at least 1 video in 2025.Debt paid in full!!  

  My dearest Jaden, Today is October 13, 2025. You would have turned 13—such a big milestone. This year, thinking of you has been hard, maybe it's because I came to Langa'ta after intentionally staying away or maybe 13 is so significant. I find myself wishing you had stayed and never left. It's unbelievable that time has gone so fast, yet love and memories remain. I look at your siblings; gorgeous, courageous& resilient, growing too fast into amazing  people and I miss you.  For the past few days, I have been lingering on Psalms 127:1-3 NIV  "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him . Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court." I am thankful for you. I carry you in my heart.  I love you. Happy 13th birthday. Always Mummy.

 Jaden, On November 10th 2012,minutes,turned to hours,to days,months and years.It's been 11 years.I still remember you,the sadness is gone but the love is still there. On October 13th your birthday,I received so much love,gifts,flowers,cake from different people who didn't know how special that day continues to be. I was reminded that despite you not being here with me& us,you remain to be apart of us in a beautiful way. Always loved From mummy

 May is Mental Health Awareness Month:Restart as many times as you need to. When we were young, we couldn't wait to be adults, we thought we could make our own choices, do what we wanted and lived in a fantasy world. We forgot that choices have life long consequences and we were not warned that not everyone in life is for you and its ok.  Adulting is hard, it's constantly trying to put your oxygen mask in the turbulence of life. I have found myself wishing sometimes that I could go time back to those carefree days but here we are and I wouldn't trade my life for any other. Tha past year has been turbulent, many tears, disappointments, transitions and changes. The year has also had many wins. One of my favorite quotes is 'courage is doing it afraid'. Another is 'choose you and show up, no matter how you feel'. Swimming upstream has never been easy. You face resistance from within and without and you must keep going, restart as many times as you need to and  c...

  Finally 8years.  Milestones, so many uncharted waters yet there is a faithful God who sees, who knows and who cares. That's all that matters, I credit Him faithful. 

 Times & Seasons Belong to God The year 2012 remains to be my most challenging year . It was a dark year, I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.It was dramatic and it's  also the year that we moved houses twice while I was expectant with Jaden. We hated one of the houses but moved anyways, we had to.  It was a dark year, I spent most of it in the washroom throwing up  or going to the doctor because I couldn't keep food down yet baby was growing as I grew thinner . A dear friend sensed something was not right with me emotionally and took me for dates but I wouldn't speak out and she patiently showered me with love. Looking back I think I was in emotional distress leaning towards depression. When Jaden was born I thought I could finally get some sense of relief from the dark days but 1 month later baby was no more. A journey of loss and grief began and I wondered if i' d make it, I wanted to die. That year was really hard. At crossover kesha into 201...

In honour of Jaden, it's been 9years today. What a journey it has been, so many treasures I have found in the dark and many more to look forward to. I remember, I love. It's been a beautiful day.

  Dear Jaden, Today is the eve of the 9th year since you left me. I heard that adversity builds character and we should embrace it . For sure your loss and the journey has been a roller coaster and great contributor to who I am today.  But tonight, I do not feel strong, tonight I feel afraid that if I continue to write ,I shall cry a river. But hey these are the emotions sometimes that I must sit with , no shortcuts and live through them. Tomorrow my son, I shall be strong, tomorrow my son, I shall be hopeful but for today, let me wallow in this space of missing you, remembering the tears I shed the eve 9years ago wanting you in my arms, wanting to go home with you and not leave you in the ICU alone. I didn't know, it was the launch to many more hours, days, months and years of never having to see you, hold you, hug you, kiss you. Oh my heart aches tonight but tomorrow there is hope. From my aching heart. Love always mummy.

This morning, I woke up with much excitement and joy. I  still remember Jaden it's your 9th birthday and am excited. Over the past few weeks, I have truly come to appreciate the Seasons of Life as stated by the wisest man, King Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3.  I am content today and carry these words dearly in my heart.  Happy 9th birthday. I am who I am today because of you coming into my life. Forever in my heart. 

A few weeks ago, I attended a storytelling workshop and on the final day, we recorded our personal stories.  There is power in sharing our stories of pain and triumph. Loss is a journey and its been 9years now and hope my story can encourage another.  God Bless

  They keep going. I am proud of them because the You Tube channels was their idea, they came up with the design, names and effects. I am proud because its all self taught without coercion. I am proud because they agree on the content, schedule when to record , when and how to edit and when to upload. I love their team work even to collude to change their accents, I am proud of their talent. Kindly like and subscribe to both their channels Mass_Stars and Ecko Kids. Thank you.

 

 

This week, I have felt so unsure & uncertain about life. I have asked myself many questions and played 'what if' 'scenarios. It's not been easy but after church I asked Nate what they were taught in Sunday school and he shared the 2 Bible verses below and story of Daniel.He told me about the courage Daniel showed and how He trusted God no matter what was going on. That message was mine for sure, I am encouraged.  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5‭-‬6 NLT

This hollow feeling is back and so intense. I miss Jaden so much. Why did you choose him? Why did you allow us to meet him then take him away? The feeling is so sad..I am trying to get my footing in you..at times I feel like I will take a break and disappear just to look out for your voice in all this. Yesterday, I was craving for twins, sometimes I feel like I should be blessed with twins to payback for the loss..not really payback but just to compensate for the hurt, brokenness and emptiness. Yet I know you are God, and you have something worked out. I am thinking and fighting the feel that I need another child, yet Lord I know you at your own time will bless us..you are not a liar, to turn on your word..I know my womb is blessed..oh dear Lord, I feel like I can run through this valley, yet I hear you say, I need to walk through it..won’t you uphold me?Won’t you soothe this loneliness? What treasures are in these darkness? I recall you said in the midst of dark cloud ,you ar...

I must say that year was one mixed bag. It had many ups and downs but am just excited that the year is coming to a close. This morning I woke up feeling very thankful to God. He has been so faithful, the highlight being seeing Samara and us through the surgery. We saw miracles and favour. He helped us raise funds, he helped us get to MIOT Hospitals safely, He took baby gal through the surgery and the recovery process was amazing and fast. We experienced such favour in the hospital like we stayed in one of the best rooms for the 15days we were there, the nurses, doctors and support staff were friendly and made our stay much better. So am just happy to say that God is faithful and He carries us through the hard times in our lives. Only after we have gone through do we look back and declare that it was by His grace, mercies and goodness that we have passed the hurdles. Hope you will be encouraged to know that even when people do not seem to understand or care enough or as you would want...